I’m feeling “22″

Am I the only one that didn’t get the memo about how special being in your 20′s is suppose to be?  I can’t help but think of that song that is out titled 22 by Taylor Swift. With the pre-chorus and chorus that goes

“Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely in the best wayIt’s miserable and magical oh yeahTonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, it’s time
Uh oh, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22. Everything will be alright if you keep me next to youYou don’t know about me but I bet you want too. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22. 22″

I don’t remember feeling like that at any specific age. Did I miss something? Not that I feel like I actually missed out on any thing, I am perfectly content and even happy (on most days) with my lot in life. Maybe not exactly how I got here but where I am, I don’t think I would have changed that.

At the same time I feel like there was an entire stage that I skipped over. I hear all this stuff about how its weird that I am so settled with myself. How I am not still searching for who I am and what I want to do. Not that I have the entire world worked out but I am seriously content just surviving and watching my children grow. I don’t have big dreams.

My reason for not having huge dreams of new stardom isn’t because I don’t think I would be able to achieve it but because I am not looking for anything. Yet when I was in my twenties I wasn’t looking for it either. I only wanted a happy family. I only wanted to have people around me that didn’t make me feel stupid and inferior or learn how to actually interact with those people without allowing them that power.

Maybe my goals were different. I don’t understand.

Well I hope the 20′s are as much of a joy as they make it seem. Truly however the indecision and totally unstructured manner being in your 20′s seem like is no different then being in your teens. I didn’t like that stage so maybe its a good thing that I skipped the 20′s angst’s to.

Understand This!

Families are our foundation for the world teaching us the important and the trivial. Our humanity is shaped by the people who we begin our lives with. First our mother the day we feel her warmth straight out of the belly we were conceived in. Love is what we are shown through that first skin to skin contact, the initial latch onto her breast gives us our first look into what affection is. Our humanity is founded upon the experience we have the day we enter this world unknown to us. From then on everything is a lesson hopefully wrapped in a beautiful warm fluffy package filled with attention, kisses, words of affirmation and love.

The village we are raised in shows us the important aspects of life. The very things we strive for to satiate our appetite for eternity is set in front of us. We are lead down the paths to happiness hand in hand by our guardians. These important people have chosen to set out on a career path of teacher and disciplinarian. It is they who show us the meaning of unconditional loving care. Our drivers are our families until the keys are handed over and the steering wheel is ours.

For many years we are only student drivers with our guardians having the important task of knowing when to pull the emergency break and provide us with the direction we need. All of this leads us to the myriad of paths to choose from. Some paved, some worn down by those that tread upon them previously while others are hidden by brush that is yet to be trimmed back by the traveler. That traveler is your child and you are that guardian navigating them towards the endless options.

With this your strengths and your flaws become teaching tools. Text books to refer to, and pull from filled with visual aids and stories aiding you along the way. This career is the most important one ever taken on and there isn’t a degree to prepare you. No classroom professor is able to lecture you in the right and wrong, good or bad tactics to use. There isn’t any tests to be graded or papers to be written nor are there any manuals or cliff notes. Only the tools you have collected while being lead to the path you chose to walk. There isn’t a resume in the world or a cover letter to be read. No one interviews you for the position and not one employer on the planet can decide how you’ll fair doing this job. You are self employed with no salary, no weekends or vacation time . You have the choice to make it a wonderful work environment and have joy fill your heart on a day to day basis. You also have the choice to make it a miserable work environment filled with unhappiness. Just remember your choices impact your student and the rest of the world because in the end the lessons you teach and the navigating you do affects the generations that follow.

Don’t allow your personal disputes, your bad experiences scar the generation to follow. Don’t allow your misunderstanding, your mistakes and your wrong turns mold the little person you are teaching to be your revenge. You are only creating a monster out of the innocent. Keep in mind your decisions from this day forward is creating the next cycle of life. Why ruin it with your bitterness.

Be thankful. Be happy. Be loving. Be trusting. Be kind. Create beauty in places of ugliness and happiness in places once harboring pain.

Never forget that the career path you’ve set upon is not one to take lightly. The payment isn’t measurable currency. It isn’t earned appreciation  You won’t receive an award in the form of a plaque or certificate. You will receive an occasional ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ along the way but that isn’t to be an expectation. Expect nothing besides a life long journey filled with hills and valleys.   Your payment is the unconditional love returned to you and the knowledge that you did your best to navigate your ward in the best direction possible for them to achieve the happiness that we all deserve, filled with stability and sustainable contentment.

It escapes me how this isn’t understood. It boggles my mind to no end how this isn’t taken as seriously as it very well should be. Regardless of others lack of care I choose to devote my life to the building of a foundation for my children to build upon that will weather any storm. You should do the same!

Something…

… about children, I know its always about children with me. What can I say my life is nothing but my kids. Moving on, I want another baby. I don’t know why I almost think its some kind of addiction. Realistically its a crazy idea. We have two very well behaved children, that aren’t very far apart in age which makes it twice the work, twice the craziness and probably about three times the monetary cost. Then the flip side its a million more times the love, countless more laughs and innumerable memories to treasure. I have a list of pros and cons a mile long. One side is obviously longer then the other. Yet I can’t help but remember the amazing feeling of having a new baby, feeding them from my own bosoms. The new cuddles and secret moments stolen at that three in the morning feeding; the sleep grins and best of all the new little life held in your arms, so innocent and beautiful.

To add to the mix is the unbelievable bond siblings have. I swear my children have a secret language only they understand. It’s amazing to witness. I can only imagine the introduction of another brother or sister into the mix will yield. Jaciel tries to protect her brother, hold her brother, feed him and even attempts to change him. Obviously I don’t allow it because she’ isn’t mama but it doesn’t make the idea of her wanting to less cute.

Ugh… I want a new baby to add to my crew. I’m crazed.

Personality Flaw vs. Health Affliction

For years I’ve walked through my life with the intent of finding myself and being happy with what I found. It took me until my early twenties to come to understand what I wanted. What I was going to settle for and who I was to be. I chose to be a mother. I thought I did well with becoming a stable, strong and content person. Yet for some reason apparently I am still a ‘high-strung’, overly serious, worry wort that has a body at war with her mind.

I’ve educated myself about who I am and how my mind works. The knowledge doesn’t seem to be helping me out here. A real attempt to view life through much more optimistic eyes and perceive events both good and bad with a cautionary understanding and acceptance.  Taking the time to understand and accept human behavior without the need to change what I cannot and accept instead even in the light of disagreement. I have found a happiness in the changes I’ve made to better myself, and choices to better my parenting by attempting to teach them to accept themselves for whom they are and accept everyone else equally even if there is reservation. Change what you can and accept what you cannot. Right? Keep an open mind at the same time find strength in what you believe in.

Yet, it feels like I am killing myself slowly with this ‘high-strung’ personality I was born with. As if no changes were ever made. I wouldn’t have ever called myself truly high-strung but I guess I am. Wrapped up tight, with little room for movement without feeling a loss of control. Talk about stressing about the stressor.

Previously labeled an unfortunate personality flaw and now a health affliction. I feel broken and powerless yet the need to transform myself into some one else. With all the changes I’ve made in my life to better myself for myself and by proxy my children; I am still sitting here in square one scratching my head trying to figure out what I need to do to shake of my serious personality. Shed my skin and put it away for another day and don a new lighter model for every day wear. Have I done nothing these last few years?

Why do I have to become some one else for my body to be able to deal? My mental state doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. Then again I do live in my head majority of the time but my body, is another creature all it own. A creature that is unfit to handle the built in stressors, namely my personality. Then why was this body matched with this brain or why is this brain such a lousy care giver to this body? I am confused!

Time to find a new way to fix me, this is exhausting. Being me has always been so exhausting, can’t I have a vacation and be someone else?

Edit: My other half and I are at odds whether this is a personality trait that is innate or if this is a learned reaction. I think its a bit of both but mostly I feel its a personality trait that I have had from birth. This lends some insight. Psychology, Seventh Edition

Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.

Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.

I HAVE NO WORD, THIS SAY’S IT ALL.

Amazed And So Disgusted!

I am so amazed by the development of my babies. Within the past few weeks our daughter has suddenly been expanding her vocabulary. So many words are beginning to emerge, words she’s heard but never said. Not just random either. She is matching words with items, emotions and thoughts. I can’t get over how unbelievable it is to watch.

Recently another experience has blown my mind and again I am awe struck by my daughters abilities. Here is a conversation we had:

Me: Did you miss your Ly Ly (‘Lie Lie’ is our daughters nick-name for her brother Nikolay)?

Jaciel:  No.

Me: Do you know what ‘missing someone’ means?

Jaciel: No.

Me: Its when you wish someone was with you when they aren’t.

….a little later I asked her again if she missed Nikolay while we were gone, she answered with a very sure ‘yes’.

I love how easy it was for her understand. Its amazing how they so quickly understand complex thoughts. She’s so young yet so bright. So explain to me how people can be so thoughtless when it comes to such amazing little creatures made from there very own genetics. Little people that they’ve held and helped create, helpless babies that only want to be loved and cared for.

My cousin recently saw posted on her facebook about seeing a young girl “… can’t be any older than 13 yrs old and another girl to my left who is also pregnant as can be, she is sorting out a paper bag full of blunt wraps talking on her phone telling the person on the other end how she can’t wait to get out of here so she can smoke a blunt.” really?

While I am sitting here praying and hoping that I raise my children properly and sit in awe of the abilities of such tiny people. Of course I know the reasons, the excuses given. The upbringing lacking in education, love or comfort. The societal view of what is acceptable and what isn’t. However I can’t see past the fact the truly its a choice to raise your child, to care for the unborn baby in the womb with love and care. You choose to be aware of the harm you are doing to not only yourself but the small helpless baby depending on you. How could so many people be so thoughtless, cold hearted, choose to stay ignorant and selfish.

I know I shouldn’t be shocked or probably even disgusted anymore by the stupidity I see around me but I can’t seem to shake it off. Or refrain from being ‘judgemental’ when there are small children, little babies born and unborn being abused by the stupid people having them. It has less to do with age and so much to do with choices made. It hurts my heart.

….stepping down from my soap-box now.

Foul Language Pet Peeve (WARNING FOUL WORDS ARE USED IN THIS POST)

I think people who use a great deal of swear words need to open up a Dictionary and read a Thesaurus on a daily basis to learn the true meanings of words and other words to express themselves. Curse words are not absent from my vocabulary but I enjoy sounding educated enough to convey my thoughts without the usage of such foul language. I can’t stand people who use nothing my curse words as a way to express the thoughts and emotions they are experiencing. In a few words it conveys sheer ignorance to me.

Do you really have to use ‘four’ letter words such as fuck, bitch and the like to show frustrations and dislike?

Do you not know other words that describe or explain your disgust for something?

Is your educational background so remedial that your vocabulary consists of only a handful of words the meaning of I highly doubt you even know?

I realize everyone communicates with slang and we take short cuts in the english language, in every language its just human. We misuse words, and make up new ones that fit our communication needs at the time. However is it really necessary to use expletives so often and with such freedom. Does it cross anyones mind that children may be around and not everyone desires there children to speak like ignoramuses?

A friend of mine posted a  .jpeg saying “People who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest and trustworthy, human behavioral studies suggest.” following is her feelings on the statement “….i find it to be true in my own experience. and i bet if there were actually studies done on this, they would show the results above. i find (in personal experience) that people who are constantly concerned with what others think of them (like how they dress, the words they use, the people they are seen with) are less in touch with their own true natures. this is because they are so outwardly focused and only look toward themselves from an outer-focus-point. thus they are more susceptible to a wearing down of their innate values, like honesty, compassion, joy.” I disagree.

It seems to me concern for how one dresses, speaks and acts isn’t necessarily concern for how other see them. I feel in moderation its actually concern for there own well being. Just as proper speech would be an investment in ones educational development. Don’t you think it shows more of a responsible nature for self and others if they learned how to properly express themselves. A person is much more apt to show the beauty of honesty, compassion and joy if they were able to do so with a plethora of words rather then a few interchangeable foul ones.

Do you see where I am going with this?

I don’t want my children to grow up into adults that refer to someone who irritates them or someone who wrongs them in any certain way with a foul term. How is that going to help them in life? Its such a limited way to communicate. I hope that the vocabulary they inherit is perfect for them but allows them a wide range of  ways to express themselves, the idea’s they posses and what they desire. I mean how sweet is it to hear lover say “Dude, I fuck’n love you.” as an expression of true love? Be honest is that even close to what you want to hear before making love to someone?

I don’t know maybe some people do. I do know in my opinion those who have a limited vocabulary of ‘four’ letter foul words to express themselves sound sadly ignorant.

The Soundtrack to My Life

When it comes to music I have a varied taste, I am an eclectic of sorts. I have played musical instruments. I enjoy Classical, Symphonic, Rock, Alternative, Country; the list goes on and on. The categories are countless and new categories pop up everyday. One thing that I’ve noticed is different times in my life has called for a very different soundtracks. Each soundtrack expresses the most prominent emotions at that very moment. My perception of the world around me seeming more hopeful or more bleak depending on the soundtrack that is playing in the background.

Music conveys so many feelings with every note played. Every lyric sung can tell a story that is speaking straight to you. As a young married adult in a very rough situation I remember listening to music that helped me express my anger and frustration for life and the bad situation I found myself in. The music assisted me in expressing my emotions when I could not find an outlet. I swear it keeps you sane.

At this point in my life my children, my family and my goal of providing the best wholesome loving environment possible is best expressed through country music. Thank goodness for country, and lately even some pop has me singing and dancing in the car. Go ahead a giggle, you know you do it to.

When I don’t know how to say it, write it or show it I let the professionals belt it out for me with words and melody that I would have never have found.

I just want to say, thank god for the ability to enjoy music in its wide variety of genres. Thank you for allowing me to appreciate and be exposed to the many types and sounds. THANK YOU for the friends and family that has exposed me to the soundtracks that speak to them and thank you for Stas, my other half, my best friend, my perfect match for being just as eclectic as myself.

Back to my houseful of ugly winter colds and nasty coughs. This to shall pass.

Disappointed

‘You can’t give your children the childhood you had.’

I am not sure I wanted the exact childhood I had because frankly it wasn’t all that great. However I wanted to provide them something different, something better. One aspect of my upbringing I wanted to make sure they experienced was the large family, the loving extended family. The aunt’s that came and picked you up in the early morning to go on random trips. I wanted them to have the aunt or uncle that played store with them or took them out to a quick lunch as a surprise.

Instead they’ve gotten inconsistent exposure to people and I’ve had tons of disappointment. I don’t know why this bothers me it shouldn’t. My children have two very consistent people in their lives, us, the parents, the most important ones. Which is much better then what I had. Yet I can’t get it out of my mind, I can’t help but beat myself up because somehow I was suppose to ensure that they had exactly what I wanted them to. Yet we all know, life isn’t perfect. It just is!

Who Gave You Permission to Grow?

Two years old, its a milestone. Its a milestone that our oldest child, our baby girl just reached. Two years old crept up on us like a thief in the night. It didn’t really we saw it coming but it suddenly became a bigger deal when with reaching two years old came potty trained and sleeping in a toddler bed.

I’m running out of time, running out of time to figure out what kind of Mother I am going to be. ‘I know’ I am already whatever kind of Mother I am going to be. Why is it then do I still question my tactics? She’s two years old, next thing I know she’s going to be starting school and where I am I going to be then?

We have very well-behaved children; almost unusually well-behaved. Jaciel Polina doesn’t throw fits or cries unnecessarily. When she acts out and by that I mean cries aloud or whines its usually due to exhaustion or frustrations due to our lack of understanding what it is she is attempting to communicate. It doesn’t happen often. She is quite, reserved and slow to warm. She is observant and unusually bright. I am so proud of her.

Yet why is growing up so bittersweet? I look at babies and I just want to hold on to Jaciel, the tiny Jaciel but then I wouldn’t give up the beautiful little girl, young lady she is becoming. Its all so fear laden. Each stage, each new development comes with new fears but the old ones aren’t gone just pushed back by more pressing ones. I swear I am going to live a short life because I am so stressed out about what might be that I forget to see what is.

It hurts me to know that I in no way can protect my children from the world around them. Its such a volatile environment out there. Where such evils take place. Can I prepare them for the world beyond the safety I try to provide? Am I prepared for them to face it? Its less them and more me.

One day my son will want more then the spinning he does on the ABC sponge tiles and his rattlers or the cars my daughter shows him. Soon my daughter will go off to daycare and socialize with other children from different backgrounds. The world will be theirs to explore and I will only be here to watch and guide. No longer will I be able to shelter and protect and the fear is nearly heart-attack worthy.

I’m enjoying Jaciel’s new found ability to voice her desire to go nap or go to bed in the evening, signs of self awareness. Such unmistakable independence. She’s coming into her own so quickly and settling comfortably in her own skin. It’s such a magical transformation to watch. Soon her need for Mama and Papa will lessen. What will I do then.  I didn’t imagine it to happen so quickly. I can still remember the tiny helpless baby needing Mommy for everything. Communicating only in cries and whines. Now it’s words and very specific actions. They grow and as wonderful as it is it’s bittersweet. Her personality is all her own and it’s obviously full of love and empathy. A beautiful person is developing and I fear the reality of the world with it’s horrors will dampen her spirit. Same with Nikolay, I can already see his calm curious nature. The loving light that shines through his baby blues. Such a beautiful soul with endless potential.

Am I the only parent experiencing these feelings?

Our Son

Our Daughter and her Papa