Life Perceived by Me

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2013 … 2014

Is it really going to be 2014?

Is my eldest child going to be three years old?

Oh my god, am I going to be thirty?

Yup. Yes and yes.

This past year has been filled with challenges and milestones. Oh and pregnancy. So much has taken place that I am not sure where to begin. Jaciel started her Pre-Preschool and has advanced wonderfully gaining social skills that only being around other children and new experiences could give her. Nikolay started a wonderful Daycare routine providing him with a chance to grow and sprout in ways that I don’t feel he would have hanging around home. It makes me smile, scares me and makes me proud.

We lost my beloved uncle but he was laid to rest surrounded by his loved ones in the comfort of the home he cherished feeling, I hope, a much better sense of safety and comfort not found in a hospital surrounded by strangers. He spent a life filled by his two most loved hobbies. Cooking and the 49’ners. Appreciated and loved unconditionally by four wonderful sisters, and a mother that was gave her all to teach him to function in a hearing world although he was shrouded by silence. Missed so much the one year anniversary of his passing came and went this month on the 15th. The first set of family holidays were laced with a indescribable feeling of something missing. Yet we as a family celebrated them with him in our hearts, on our minds and he was kept present in our souls. This year was all about the kids, which is how’d he want it. Difficult has it may have been each one of us waded through our grief in each our unique ways and found solace in one another’s company.

Family members moved, started new things, stressed and recovered. We’ve been tested, learned new lessons and grown throughout the year adding to our lives new experiences.

Lastly a new little girl will be making her debut into this crazy world soon bringing with her hope and the essence of new life. Olena Rose, my last and final child with the due date of February will probably be here some time next month to greet the world and take her first breath. I am excited and anxious. Along with the excitement comes a bit of sadness, I wish as I do often that my father was present to meet his grand-babies and now I wish not only one but both my uncles could also join in the celebration of new life. With them both gone majority of the male figures in my life are gone but always with me in spirit.

Our eldest, Jaciel and our son Nikolay are also excited. Jaciel being old enough to truly understand that she will soon have a sister joining the world is beside herself. Repeating often how her sister is in mama’s belly and trying to explain to her little brother of only 17 months that he will soon have a baby sister and he will need to be careful. They both will now experience the wonderful gift of new life and as uncomfortable as I am at this very moment I am excited to provide this new experience to them both to bond over.

Myself, personally have experienced many changes in this last year. Our losses and gains have been many and obviously not all pleasant. I forgone county work, a beautifully mapped out three year plan and a large home to do what was best for my extended family. A move and a slight decline in some aspects all worth it to be present for the ones I love and help in the only way I knew to. Although all may not have worked out according to ‘the plan’ planned its okay, because in the larger picture things always pan out.

I welcome the new year with open arms and a big pregnant belly!

‘Cheers’ to the new year!


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It Seems Like All a Blur

We all talk about how time just speeds by and how we should stop and smell the roses. I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that our eldest is going to be three years old next month. Three years old, where was I? It seems like I somehow missed it but I know I didn’t. Every sleepless night, I was there. Every tear shed and gassy tummy, I didn’t miss a day. Yet somehow it all seems too fast. I know it just keeps going and time will scurry by, eventually our eldest will be an adult and our youngest will be grown as well. I can only imagine how I am going to feel when we get there being at this very moment the age of three is giving me heart palpitations and  our youngest is still in my belly at least for a few more weeks.

Having children is the most satisfying experience I’ve ever ventured upon. The most challenging career I could have ever chosen. One of the most unique paths I’ve ever taken has been the path leading to the discovery of each beautiful personality belonging to these little human beings that I personally incubated giving my own blood to nourish to make sure they flourished.  I can’t see my life being different and I don’t believe that this amazement will ever wash away or be lost in the years that speed by so quickly. The difficult days seem overwhelming while being experienced but when I glance back everything seems so trivial compared to the wonders of these little people just existing.

I am so thankful for the person I’ve chosen to be flaws and all. Our children have been my best blessing transforming me into such a different person and regardless of others opinions I think for once in my life I truly like this person.

  • Jaciel Polina 01.24.11
  • Nikolay Nathaniel 07.10.12
  • Olena Rose est. due date 02.12.2014


Oh the end of a pregnancy, leaves me wondering every time why I am doing this a third time. Although it surely leaves me with no doubt this will be my final time. I am so exhausted, my body is just done. I have no doubt that I love my babies but the gestation period for me leaves a lot to be desired.

On another note our beautiful near three year old is so excited she can’t stop announcing to nearly everyone how she has a sister in her Mama’s belly. Its such a wonderful feeling to see her excitement. Its a wonderful feeling to hear her talk about how she is going to help out, read her books and sing her songs when she arrives. Nikolay is too young to understand but his daycare center has a couple little infants and report his attempts to give them kisses and tries to comfort them when they become upset by bringing them toys or patting them. They tell me how gentle he attempts to be and typically successfully. Its so great to hear. I think hearing Jaciel and the reports regarding Nikolay’s interaction with the smaller infants makes me glad they are all so close in age. Although the struggles that are going to come with a 1.5 year old, 3 year old and new born are not lost upon me. I know it won’t last too long.

Well this isn’t going to be a long post, I am one tired lady and need to sleep as much as I can. Well as much as this little girl in my belly allows me. Olena Rose is a bit of a a mover and a shaker rendering sleep a struggle. Not to mention finding a comfortable position. I just keep telling myself after all is said and down its worth it. It really is.

Good night for the time being and I hope to write more soon, and much more interesting posts.


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Frustration & Friendship

Has this month been a pain?

Well yes it sure has!

Do I want it to hurry up and come to a close?


This month has been stressful with some days ending in sobs. I have been so depressed in these last weeks that I know if it wasn’t for my beautiful children and this little girl in my belly I would be mentally unstable enough to need medical assistance. However as much as my family is the cause of my victory over this crappy month its also probably part of the cause. Pregnancy sure does make  a woman feel out of control of her emotions and unable to find a decent middle ground.

Yet as much as this month has yielded me trouble and stress I think I have made some friends. I met some wonderful people this month. I love it when new and wonderful individuals walk into my life and paint my bleak looking canvas with bright beautiful colors. When this takes place I am reminded how wonderful the world can be even when most of the time it doesn’t seem too wonderful.

Out of this crazy month good has come of it. Even in the bleakest of moments there is a sparkle as long as you look hard enough and sometimes, you don’t have to look hard at all!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Overwhelming, Stressful, Beautiful Life

Overwhelming, stressful beautiful life….I don’t even know if words exist to explain how I feel. Everything is in conflict. I love my family and I am so blessed to have my children. Everyone is in as good health as circumstances mostly out of our control, allow. Really I have no right to have complaints. Yet I am feeling conflicted.

Have you ever had to decide which responsibility takes precedence over the other? Trying to connivence myself that everything can be placed in its proper place, compartmentalized and sorted, I just have to work harder. Think harder, be smarter and be superwoman, super-mom, super-everything. I am guessing that these thoughts might be a bit on the unrealistic realm of things. Possibly, maybe just a bit you know, expecting too much from my human self. *sigh* Why can’t these superhuman skills, attributes that I am sure I possess just reveal themselves when they are needed. I chuckle  at this fantasy. I am not so delusional, although at times I think being such could be a comfort that I’d enjoy, even just for a time. Maybe the comfort would do more good than harm. Providing a mental reprieve in a time of troubled thoughts. I know I am not alone with these thoughts. Am I?


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So I started a new job recently. I work for a non-profit company that assists people that have developmental disabilities. At an ‘all staff’ meeting that combined two offices someone said something that just keeps ringing through my mind. These specific people work in a department called Early Intervention so they help parents with young children, 0-3 years old navigate the intimidating world once a developmental disability has been diagnosed, such as Asperges or Autism. When describing the department they work in one employee mentioned many times they are helping the parent go through the ‘grieving’ process.

I can’t get that out of my head. She spoke a very raw truth. We grieve over not only physical losses but the loss of an ideal. Having a child we are expecting a glowing vision of perfection that is propped up high on a pedestal built from the hopes, dreams and aspirations of the parents. The excitement of meeting that awesome example of a perfect human being unsullied by the reality of how imperfect our world is a feeling that inspires tears of joy. To have that ripped away and the idea of perfection crushed like a cockroach is devastating. Who wouldn’t grieve? It breaks my heart.

Being raised with disability as a normality around me doesn’t lessen how I think I’d feel if my own offspring was afflicted with some sort of developmental disability. Looking at the cases that come across my desk some of these children know more love then anyone I’ve ever seen. While others I am just saddened by the way they have been treated although the situation now may be improved.

The thing about grieving is that its a process and we experience it so many times throughout life. We experience the loss of a friendship, an expectation or the death of a family member or even a family pet. The experience is so different for each person. No rule book exists, not a ‘Self-Help’ book written can describe the exact emotions that are experienced. The sadness is so deeply personal and vastly different from the next.

Do you believe that grief is exclusive to the physical loss of a loved one? Can you or have you grieved over an idea or failed expectation of self or others?

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I don’t believe its your place….

I know its been a while since I’ve written any kind of post, but today I have something to write about.

A few days ago I had a woman decide it was her place to make a statement, a demand toward my choice of discipline of my two year old. I am fully aware that this is a touchy controversial subject. I know that some are extreme in both ways but this is how I choose to raise my baby….

We use corporal punishment, when needed, or rather if needed and very sparingly. Not to mention in no way do we use it where we leave marks.

That being said this is what happened. Our daughter, whom is two years old, decided to test me as she was walking out the door of the Kaiser Clinic in Napa, California. Normally the 1-2-3 tactic works without fail but occasionally it doesn’t. Therefore in this instance I snatched her up by the arm, gently but with a quick demanding action. Followed with the words “You need to come when you are called.” and a light swat on the behind to drive the point home. She didn’t cry, she didn’t even protest aside from a unhappy facial expression.

Our interaction apparently angered an older woman sitting on a bench. She commanded “Don’t you hit that child.” I didn’t react, while my mother did to my response of “she’s entitled to her opinion.” I kept my speed and continued to walk to our car. Inside I wanted to tell her to shove it. I didn’t. It wouldn’t have helped the situation. It would have made me appear no more intelligent then then a child. Doesn’t change how much I wanted to react.

I’ve run into this before when Jaciel was small and I smacked her hand teaching her not to pull hair. This woman completely panicked, claiming that I was beating my child and committing a crime of severe abuse. I clearly just replied telling her to feel free to call Child Protective Services offering my Name, Phone number and Address. I told her it was her duty to call in the authorities if she felt my child was  in any danger.

I don’t want to discourage people to call upon the authorities when a child is truly in danger but please be aware the difference between abuse and parenting. Parenting where the child has structure, consequences to the actions they take. Everyone’s tactic is different and be sure where your place is, and honestly unless the child in question seriously in danger but you have worries then call CPS but be sure to think of the impact it will have on the family in question.

I am sure this will bring some unsavory comments, I will moderate them looking for foul language but if they are clear of nasty, accusatory words I will allow them to be posted. Everyone is entitled to there opinion and parenting style. Keep in mind there is a huge difference between a debate, and an argument. I will not argue with you regarding how we decide to bring up our children. THANK YOU.



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I’m feeling “22”

Am I the only one that didn’t get the memo about how special being in your 20’s is suppose to be?  I can’t help but think of that song that is out titled 22 by Taylor Swift. With the pre-chorus and chorus that goes

“Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely in the best wayIt’s miserable and magical oh yeahTonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, it’s time
Uh oh, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22. Everything will be alright if you keep me next to youYou don’t know about me but I bet you want too. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22. 22″

I don’t remember feeling like that at any specific age. Did I miss something? Not that I feel like I actually missed out on any thing, I am perfectly content and even happy (on most days) with my lot in life. Maybe not exactly how I got here but where I am, I don’t think I would have changed that.

At the same time I feel like there was an entire stage that I skipped over. I hear all this stuff about how its weird that I am so settled with myself. How I am not still searching for who I am and what I want to do. Not that I have the entire world worked out but I am seriously content just surviving and watching my children grow. I don’t have big dreams.

My reason for not having huge dreams of new stardom isn’t because I don’t think I would be able to achieve it but because I am not looking for anything. Yet when I was in my twenties I wasn’t looking for it either. I only wanted a happy family. I only wanted to have people around me that didn’t make me feel stupid and inferior or learn how to actually interact with those people without allowing them that power.

Maybe my goals were different. I don’t understand.

Well I hope the 20’s are as much of a joy as they make it seem. Truly however the indecision and totally unstructured manner being in your 20’s seem like is no different then being in your teens. I didn’t like that stage so maybe its a good thing that I skipped the 20’s angst’s to.

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Understand This!

Families are our foundation for the world teaching us the important and the trivial. Our humanity is shaped by the people who we begin our lives with. First our mother the day we feel her warmth straight out of the belly we were conceived in. Love is what we are shown through that first skin to skin contact, the initial latch onto her breast gives us our first look into what affection is. Our humanity is founded upon the experience we have the day we enter this world unknown to us. From then on everything is a lesson hopefully wrapped in a beautiful warm fluffy package filled with attention, kisses, words of affirmation and love.

The village we are raised in shows us the important aspects of life. The very things we strive for to satiate our appetite for eternity is set in front of us. We are lead down the paths to happiness hand in hand by our guardians. These important people have chosen to set out on a career path of teacher and disciplinarian. It is they who show us the meaning of unconditional loving care. Our drivers are our families until the keys are handed over and the steering wheel is ours.

For many years we are only student drivers with our guardians having the important task of knowing when to pull the emergency break and provide us with the direction we need. All of this leads us to the myriad of paths to choose from. Some paved, some worn down by those that tread upon them previously while others are hidden by brush that is yet to be trimmed back by the traveler. That traveler is your child and you are that guardian navigating them towards the endless options.

With this your strengths and your flaws become teaching tools. Text books to refer to, and pull from filled with visual aids and stories aiding you along the way. This career is the most important one ever taken on and there isn’t a degree to prepare you. No classroom professor is able to lecture you in the right and wrong, good or bad tactics to use. There isn’t any tests to be graded or papers to be written nor are there any manuals or cliff notes. Only the tools you have collected while being lead to the path you chose to walk. There isn’t a resume in the world or a cover letter to be read. No one interviews you for the position and not one employer on the planet can decide how you’ll fair doing this job. You are self employed with no salary, no weekends or vacation time . You have the choice to make it a wonderful work environment and have joy fill your heart on a day to day basis. You also have the choice to make it a miserable work environment filled with unhappiness. Just remember your choices impact your student and the rest of the world because in the end the lessons you teach and the navigating you do affects the generations that follow.

Don’t allow your personal disputes, your bad experiences scar the generation to follow. Don’t allow your misunderstanding, your mistakes and your wrong turns mold the little person you are teaching to be your revenge. You are only creating a monster out of the innocent. Keep in mind your decisions from this day forward is creating the next cycle of life. Why ruin it with your bitterness.

Be thankful. Be happy. Be loving. Be trusting. Be kind. Create beauty in places of ugliness and happiness in places once harboring pain.

Never forget that the career path you’ve set upon is not one to take lightly. The payment isn’t measurable currency. It isn’t earned appreciation  You won’t receive an award in the form of a plaque or certificate. You will receive an occasional ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ along the way but that isn’t to be an expectation. Expect nothing besides a life long journey filled with hills and valleys.   Your payment is the unconditional love returned to you and the knowledge that you did your best to navigate your ward in the best direction possible for them to achieve the happiness that we all deserve, filled with stability and sustainable contentment.

It escapes me how this isn’t understood. It boggles my mind to no end how this isn’t taken as seriously as it very well should be. Regardless of others lack of care I choose to devote my life to the building of a foundation for my children to build upon that will weather any storm. You should do the same!


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… about children, I know its always about children with me. What can I say my life is nothing but my kids. Moving on, I want another baby. I don’t know why I almost think its some kind of addiction. Realistically its a crazy idea. We have two very well behaved children, that aren’t very far apart in age which makes it twice the work, twice the craziness and probably about three times the monetary cost. Then the flip side its a million more times the love, countless more laughs and innumerable memories to treasure. I have a list of pros and cons a mile long. One side is obviously longer then the other. Yet I can’t help but remember the amazing feeling of having a new baby, feeding them from my own bosoms. The new cuddles and secret moments stolen at that three in the morning feeding; the sleep grins and best of all the new little life held in your arms, so innocent and beautiful.


To add to the mix is the unbelievable bond siblings have. I swear my children have a secret language only they understand. It’s amazing to witness. I can only imagine the introduction of another brother or sister into the mix will yield. Jaciel tries to protect her brother, hold her brother, feed him and even attempts to change him. Obviously I don’t allow it because she’ isn’t mama but it doesn’t make the idea of her wanting to less cute.

Ugh… I want a new baby to add to my crew. I’m crazed.

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