Life Perceived by Me

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Who Gave You Permission to Grow?

on January 28, 2013

Two years old, its a milestone. Its a milestone that our oldest child, our baby girl just reached. Two years old crept up on us like a thief in the night. It didn’t really we saw it coming but it suddenly became a bigger deal when with reaching two years old came potty trained and sleeping in a toddler bed.

I’m running out of time, running out of time to figure out what kind of Mother I am going to be. ‘I know’ I am already whatever kind of Mother I am going to be. Why is it then do I still question my tactics? She’s two years old, next thing I know she’s going to be starting school and where I am I going to be then?

We have very well-behaved children; almost unusually well-behaved. Jaciel Polina doesn’t throw fits or cries unnecessarily. When she acts out and by that I mean cries aloud or whines its usually due to exhaustion or frustrations due to our lack of understanding what it is she is attempting to communicate. It doesn’t happen often. She is quite, reserved and slow to warm. She is observant and unusually bright. I am so proud of her.

Yet why is growing up so bittersweet? I look at babies and I just want to hold on to Jaciel, the tiny Jaciel but then I wouldn’t give up the beautiful little girl, young lady she is becoming. Its all so fear laden. Each stage, each new development comes with new fears but the old ones aren’t gone just pushed back by more pressing ones. I swear I am going to live a short life because I am so stressed out about what might be that I forget to see what is.

It hurts me to know that I in no way can protect my children from the world around them. Its such a volatile environment out there. Where such evils take place. Can I prepare them for the world beyond the safety I try to provide? Am I prepared for them to face it? Its less them and more me.

One day my son will want more then the spinning he does on the ABC sponge tiles and his rattlers or the cars my daughter shows him. Soon my daughter will go off to daycare and socialize with other children from different backgrounds. The world will be theirs to explore and I will only be here to watch and guide. No longer will I be able to shelter and protect and the fear is nearly heart-attack worthy.

I’m enjoying Jaciel’s new found ability to voice her desire to go nap or go to bed in the evening, signs of self awareness. Such unmistakable independence. She’s coming into her own so quickly and settling comfortably in her own skin. It’s such a magical transformation to watch. Soon her need for Mama and Papa will lessen. What will I do then. 😦 I didn’t imagine it to happen so quickly. I can still remember the tiny helpless baby needing Mommy for everything. Communicating only in cries and whines. Now it’s words and very specific actions. They grow and as wonderful as it is it’s bittersweet. Her personality is all her own and it’s obviously full of love and empathy. A beautiful person is developing and I fear the reality of the world with it’s horrors will dampen her spirit. Same with Nikolay, I can already see his calm curious nature. The loving light that shines through his baby blues. Such a beautiful soul with endless potential.

Am I the only parent experiencing these feelings?

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Our Son

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Our Daughter and her Papa

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