Life Perceived by Me

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Personality Flaw vs. Health Affliction

For years I’ve walked through my life with the intent of finding myself and being happy with what I found. It took me until my early twenties to come to understand what I wanted. What I was going to settle for and who I was to be. I chose to be a mother. I thought I did well with becoming a stable, strong and content person. Yet for some reason apparently I am still a ‘high-strung’, overly serious, worry wort that has a body at war with her mind.

I’ve educated myself about who I am and how my mind works. The knowledge doesn’t seem to be helping me out here. A real attempt to view life through much more optimistic eyes and perceive events both good and bad with a cautionary understanding and acceptance.  Taking the time to understand and accept human behavior without the need to change what I cannot and accept instead even in the light of disagreement. I have found a happiness in the changes I’ve made to better myself, and choices to better my parenting by attempting to teach them to accept themselves for whom they are and accept everyone else equally even if there is reservation. Change what you can and accept what you cannot. Right? Keep an open mind at the same time find strength in what you believe in.

Yet, it feels like I am killing myself slowly with this ‘high-strung’ personality I was born with. As if no changes were ever made. I wouldn’t have ever called myself truly high-strung but I guess I am. Wrapped up tight, with little room for movement without feeling a loss of control. Talk about stressing about the stressor.

Previously labeled an unfortunate personality flaw and now a health affliction. I feel broken and powerless yet the need to transform myself into some one else. With all the changes I’ve made in my life to better myself for myself and by proxy my children; I am still sitting here in square one scratching my head trying to figure out what I need to do to shake of my serious personality. Shed my skin and put it away for another day and don a new lighter model for every day wear. Have I done nothing these last few years?

Why do I have to become some one else for my body to be able to deal? My mental state doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. Then again I do live in my head majority of the time but my body, is another creature all it own. A creature that is unfit to handle the built in stressors, namely my personality. Then why was this body matched with this brain or why is this brain such a lousy care giver to this body? I am confused!

Time to find a new way to fix me, this is exhausting. Being me has always been so exhausting, can’t I have a vacation and be someone else?

Edit: My other half and I are at odds whether this is a personality trait that is innate or if this is a learned reaction. I think its a bit of both but mostly I feel its a personality trait that I have had from birth. This lends some insight. Psychology, Seventh Edition

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Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.

Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.


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Amazed And So Disgusted!

I am so amazed by the development of my babies. Within the past few weeks our daughter has suddenly been expanding her vocabulary. So many words are beginning to emerge, words she’s heard but never said. Not just random either. She is matching words with items, emotions and thoughts. I can’t get over how unbelievable it is to watch.

Recently another experience has blown my mind and again I am awe struck by my daughters abilities. Here is a conversation we had:

Me: Did you miss your Ly Ly (‘Lie Lie’ is our daughters nick-name for her brother Nikolay)?

Jaciel:  No.

Me: Do you know what ‘missing someone’ means?

Jaciel: No.

Me: Its when you wish someone was with you when they aren’t.

….a little later I asked her again if she missed Nikolay while we were gone, she answered with a very sure ‘yes’.

I love how easy it was for her understand. Its amazing how they so quickly understand complex thoughts. She’s so young yet so bright. So explain to me how people can be so thoughtless when it comes to such amazing little creatures made from there very own genetics. Little people that they’ve held and helped create, helpless babies that only want to be loved and cared for.

My cousin recently saw posted on her facebook about seeing a young girl “… can’t be any older than 13 yrs old and another girl to my left who is also pregnant as can be, she is sorting out a paper bag full of blunt wraps talking on her phone telling the person on the other end how she can’t wait to get out of here so she can smoke a blunt.” really?

While I am sitting here praying and hoping that I raise my children properly and sit in awe of the abilities of such tiny people. Of course I know the reasons, the excuses given. The upbringing lacking in education, love or comfort. The societal view of what is acceptable and what isn’t. However I can’t see past the fact the truly its a choice to raise your child, to care for the unborn baby in the womb with love and care. You choose to be aware of the harm you are doing to not only yourself but the small helpless baby depending on you. How could so many people be so thoughtless, cold hearted, choose to stay ignorant and selfish.

I know I shouldn’t be shocked or probably even disgusted anymore by the stupidity I see around me but I can’t seem to shake it off. Or refrain from being ‘judgemental’ when there are small children, little babies born and unborn being abused by the stupid people having them. It has less to do with age and so much to do with choices made. It hurts my heart.

….stepping down from my soap-box now.

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I think people who use a great deal of swear words need to open up a Dictionary and read a Thesaurus on a daily basis to learn the true meanings of words and other words to express themselves. Curse words are not absent from my vocabulary but I enjoy sounding educated enough to convey my thoughts without the usage of such foul language. I can’t stand people who use nothing my curse words as a way to express the thoughts and emotions they are experiencing. In a few words it conveys sheer ignorance to me.

Do you really have to use ‘four’ letter words such as fuck, bitch and the like to show frustrations and dislike?

Do you not know other words that describe or explain your disgust for something?

Is your educational background so remedial that your vocabulary consists of only a handful of words the meaning of I highly doubt you even know?

I realize everyone communicates with slang and we take short cuts in the english language, in every language its just human. We misuse words, and make up new ones that fit our communication needs at the time. However is it really necessary to use expletives so often and with such freedom. Does it cross anyones mind that children may be around and not everyone desires there children to speak like ignoramuses?

A friend of mine posted a  .jpeg saying “People who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest and trustworthy, human behavioral studies suggest.” following is her feelings on the statement “….i find it to be true in my own experience. and i bet if there were actually studies done on this, they would show the results above. i find (in personal experience) that people who are constantly concerned with what others think of them (like how they dress, the words they use, the people they are seen with) are less in touch with their own true natures. this is because they are so outwardly focused and only look toward themselves from an outer-focus-point. thus they are more susceptible to a wearing down of their innate values, like honesty, compassion, joy.” I disagree.

It seems to me concern for how one dresses, speaks and acts isn’t necessarily concern for how other see them. I feel in moderation its actually concern for there own well being. Just as proper speech would be an investment in ones educational development. Don’t you think it shows more of a responsible nature for self and others if they learned how to properly express themselves. A person is much more apt to show the beauty of honesty, compassion and joy if they were able to do so with a plethora of words rather then a few interchangeable foul ones.

Do you see where I am going with this?

I don’t want my children to grow up into adults that refer to someone who irritates them or someone who wrongs them in any certain way with a foul term. How is that going to help them in life? Its such a limited way to communicate. I hope that the vocabulary they inherit is perfect for them but allows them a wide range of  ways to express themselves, the idea’s they posses and what they desire. I mean how sweet is it to hear lover say “Dude, I fuck’n love you.” as an expression of true love? Be honest is that even close to what you want to hear before making love to someone?

I don’t know maybe some people do. I do know in my opinion those who have a limited vocabulary of ‘four’ letter foul words to express themselves sound sadly ignorant.


The Soundtrack to My Life

When it comes to music I have a varied taste, I am an eclectic of sorts. I have played musical instruments. I enjoy Classical, Symphonic, Rock, Alternative, Country; the list goes on and on. The categories are countless and new categories pop up everyday. One thing that I’ve noticed is different times in my life has called for a very different soundtracks. Each soundtrack expresses the most prominent emotions at that very moment. My perception of the world around me seeming more hopeful or more bleak depending on the soundtrack that is playing in the background.

Music conveys so many feelings with every note played. Every lyric sung can tell a story that is speaking straight to you. As a young married adult in a very rough situation I remember listening to music that helped me express my anger and frustration for life and the bad situation I found myself in. The music assisted me in expressing my emotions when I could not find an outlet. I swear it keeps you sane.

At this point in my life my children, my family and my goal of providing the best wholesome loving environment possible is best expressed through country music. Thank goodness for country, and lately even some pop has me singing and dancing in the car. Go ahead a giggle, you know you do it to.

When I don’t know how to say it, write it or show it I let the professionals belt it out for me with words and melody that I would have never have found.

I just want to say, thank god for the ability to enjoy music in its wide variety of genres. Thank you for allowing me to appreciate and be exposed to the many types and sounds. THANK YOU for the friends and family that has exposed me to the soundtracks that speak to them and thank you for Stas, my other half, my best friend, my perfect match for being just as eclectic as myself.

Back to my houseful of ugly winter colds and nasty coughs. This to shall pass.

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