Life Perceived by Me

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Personality Flaw vs. Health Affliction

on February 22, 2013

For years I’ve walked through my life with the intent of finding myself and being happy with what I found. It took me until my early twenties to come to understand what I wanted. What I was going to settle for and who I was to be. I chose to be a mother. I thought I did well with becoming a stable, strong and content person. Yet for some reason apparently I am still a ‘high-strung’, overly serious, worry wort that has a body at war with her mind.

I’ve educated myself about who I am and how my mind works. The knowledge doesn’t seem to be helping me out here. A real attempt to view life through much more optimistic eyes and perceive events both good and bad with a cautionary understanding and acceptance.  Taking the time to understand and accept human behavior without the need to change what I cannot and accept instead even in the light of disagreement. I have found a happiness in the changes I’ve made to better myself, and choices to better my parenting by attempting to teach them to accept themselves for whom they are and accept everyone else equally even if there is reservation. Change what you can and accept what you cannot. Right? Keep an open mind at the same time find strength in what you believe in.

Yet, it feels like I am killing myself slowly with this ‘high-strung’ personality I was born with. As if no changes were ever made. I wouldn’t have ever called myself truly high-strung but I guess I am. Wrapped up tight, with little room for movement without feeling a loss of control. Talk about stressing about the stressor.

Previously labeled an unfortunate personality flaw and now a health affliction. I feel broken and powerless yet the need to transform myself into some one else. With all the changes I’ve made in my life to better myself for myself and by proxy my children; I am still sitting here in square one scratching my head trying to figure out what I need to do to shake of my serious personality. Shed my skin and put it away for another day and don a new lighter model for every day wear. Have I done nothing these last few years?

Why do I have to become some one else for my body to be able to deal? My mental state doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. Then again I do live in my head majority of the time but my body, is another creature all it own. A creature that is unfit to handle the built in stressors, namely my personality. Then why was this body matched with this brain or why is this brain such a lousy care giver to this body? I am confused!

Time to find a new way to fix me, this is exhausting. Being me has always been so exhausting, can’t I have a vacation and be someone else?

Edit: My other half and I are at odds whether this is a personality trait that is innate or if this is a learned reaction. I think its a bit of both but mostly I feel its a personality trait that I have had from birth. This lends some insight. Psychology, Seventh Edition

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