Life Perceived by Me

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2013 … 2014

Is it really going to be 2014?

Is my eldest child going to be three years old?

Oh my god, am I going to be thirty?

Yup. Yes and yes.

This past year has been filled with challenges and milestones. Oh and pregnancy. So much has taken place that I am not sure where to begin. Jaciel started her Pre-Preschool and has advanced wonderfully gaining social skills that only being around other children and new experiences could give her. Nikolay started a wonderful Daycare routine providing him with a chance to grow and sprout in ways that I don’t feel he would have hanging around home. It makes me smile, scares me and makes me proud.

We lost my beloved uncle but he was laid to rest surrounded by his loved ones in the comfort of the home he cherished feeling, I hope, a much better sense of safety and comfort not found in a hospital surrounded by strangers. He spent a life filled by his two most loved hobbies. Cooking and the 49’ners. Appreciated and loved unconditionally by four wonderful sisters, and a mother that was gave her all to teach him to function in a hearing world although he was shrouded by silence. Missed so much the one year anniversary of his passing came and went this month on the 15th. The first set of family holidays were laced with a indescribable feeling of something missing. Yet we as a family celebrated them with him in our hearts, on our minds and he was kept present in our souls. This year was all about the kids, which is how’d he want it. Difficult has it may have been each one of us waded through our grief in each our unique ways and found solace in one another’s company.

Family members moved, started new things, stressed and recovered. We’ve been tested, learned new lessons and grown throughout the year adding to our lives new experiences.

Lastly a new little girl will be making her debut into this crazy world soon bringing with her hope and the essence of new life. Olena Rose, my last and final child with the due date of February will probably be here some time next month to greet the world and take her first breath. I am excited and anxious. Along with the excitement comes a bit of sadness, I wish as I do often that my father was present to meet his grand-babies and now I wish not only one but both my uncles could also join in the celebration of new life. With them both gone majority of the male figures in my life are gone but always with me in spirit.

Our eldest, Jaciel and our son Nikolay are also excited. Jaciel being old enough to truly understand that she will soon have a sister joining the world is beside herself. Repeating often how her sister is in mama’s belly and trying to explain to her little brother of only 17 months that he will soon have a baby sister and he will need to be careful. They both will now experience the wonderful gift of new life and as uncomfortable as I am at this very moment I am excited to provide this new experience to them both to bond over.

Myself, personally have experienced many changes in this last year. Our losses and gains have been many and obviously not all pleasant. I forgone county work, a beautifully mapped out three year plan and a large home to do what was best for my extended family. A move and a slight decline in some aspects all worth it to be present for the ones I love and help in the only way I knew to. Although all may not have worked out according to ‘the plan’ planned its okay, because in the larger picture things always pan out.

I welcome the new year with open arms and a big pregnant belly!

‘Cheers’ to the new year!


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It Seems Like All a Blur

We all talk about how time just speeds by and how we should stop and smell the roses. I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that our eldest is going to be three years old next month. Three years old, where was I? It seems like I somehow missed it but I know I didn’t. Every sleepless night, I was there. Every tear shed and gassy tummy, I didn’t miss a day. Yet somehow it all seems too fast. I know it just keeps going and time will scurry by, eventually our eldest will be an adult and our youngest will be grown as well. I can only imagine how I am going to feel when we get there being at this very moment the age of three is giving me heart palpitations and  our youngest is still in my belly at least for a few more weeks.

Having children is the most satisfying experience I’ve ever ventured upon. The most challenging career I could have ever chosen. One of the most unique paths I’ve ever taken has been the path leading to the discovery of each beautiful personality belonging to these little human beings that I personally incubated giving my own blood to nourish to make sure they flourished.  I can’t see my life being different and I don’t believe that this amazement will ever wash away or be lost in the years that speed by so quickly. The difficult days seem overwhelming while being experienced but when I glance back everything seems so trivial compared to the wonders of these little people just existing.

I am so thankful for the person I’ve chosen to be flaws and all. Our children have been my best blessing transforming me into such a different person and regardless of others opinions I think for once in my life I truly like this person.

  • Jaciel Polina 01.24.11
  • Nikolay Nathaniel 07.10.12
  • Olena Rose est. due date 02.12.2014


Oh the end of a pregnancy, leaves me wondering every time why I am doing this a third time. Although it surely leaves me with no doubt this will be my final time. I am so exhausted, my body is just done. I have no doubt that I love my babies but the gestation period for me leaves a lot to be desired.

On another note our beautiful near three year old is so excited she can’t stop announcing to nearly everyone how she has a sister in her Mama’s belly. Its such a wonderful feeling to see her excitement. Its a wonderful feeling to hear her talk about how she is going to help out, read her books and sing her songs when she arrives. Nikolay is too young to understand but his daycare center has a couple little infants and report his attempts to give them kisses and tries to comfort them when they become upset by bringing them toys or patting them. They tell me how gentle he attempts to be and typically successfully. Its so great to hear. I think hearing Jaciel and the reports regarding Nikolay’s interaction with the smaller infants makes me glad they are all so close in age. Although the struggles that are going to come with a 1.5 year old, 3 year old and new born are not lost upon me. I know it won’t last too long.

Well this isn’t going to be a long post, I am one tired lady and need to sleep as much as I can. Well as much as this little girl in my belly allows me. Olena Rose is a bit of a a mover and a shaker rendering sleep a struggle. Not to mention finding a comfortable position. I just keep telling myself after all is said and down its worth it. It really is.

Good night for the time being and I hope to write more soon, and much more interesting posts.


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