Life Perceived by Me

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It Seems Like All a Blur

We all talk about how time just speeds by and how we should stop and smell the roses. I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that our eldest is going to be three years old next month. Three years old, where was I? It seems like I somehow missed it but I know I didn’t. Every sleepless night, I was there. Every tear shed and gassy tummy, I didn’t miss a day. Yet somehow it all seems too fast. I know it just keeps going and time will scurry by, eventually our eldest will be an adult and our youngest will be grown as well. I can only imagine how I am going to feel when we get there being at this very moment the age of three is giving me heart palpitations and  our youngest is still in my belly at least for a few more weeks.

Having children is the most satisfying experience I’ve ever ventured upon. The most challenging career I could have ever chosen. One of the most unique paths I’ve ever taken has been the path leading to the discovery of each beautiful personality belonging to these little human beings that I personally incubated giving my own blood to nourish to make sure they flourished.  I can’t see my life being different and I don’t believe that this amazement will ever wash away or be lost in the years that speed by so quickly. The difficult days seem overwhelming while being experienced but when I glance back everything seems so trivial compared to the wonders of these little people just existing.

I am so thankful for the person I’ve chosen to be flaws and all. Our children have been my best blessing transforming me into such a different person and regardless of others opinions I think for once in my life I truly like this person.

  • Jaciel Polina 01.24.11
  • Nikolay Nathaniel 07.10.12
  • Olena Rose est. due date 02.12.2014

I’m feeling “22”

Am I the only one that didn’t get the memo about how special being in your 20’s is suppose to be?  I can’t help but think of that song that is out titled 22 by Taylor Swift. With the pre-chorus and chorus that goes

“Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely in the best wayIt’s miserable and magical oh yeahTonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, it’s time
Uh oh, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22. Everything will be alright if you keep me next to youYou don’t know about me but I bet you want too. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22. 22″

I don’t remember feeling like that at any specific age. Did I miss something? Not that I feel like I actually missed out on any thing, I am perfectly content and even happy (on most days) with my lot in life. Maybe not exactly how I got here but where I am, I don’t think I would have changed that.

At the same time I feel like there was an entire stage that I skipped over. I hear all this stuff about how its weird that I am so settled with myself. How I am not still searching for who I am and what I want to do. Not that I have the entire world worked out but I am seriously content just surviving and watching my children grow. I don’t have big dreams.

My reason for not having huge dreams of new stardom isn’t because I don’t think I would be able to achieve it but because I am not looking for anything. Yet when I was in my twenties I wasn’t looking for it either. I only wanted a happy family. I only wanted to have people around me that didn’t make me feel stupid and inferior or learn how to actually interact with those people without allowing them that power.

Maybe my goals were different. I don’t understand.

Well I hope the 20’s are as much of a joy as they make it seem. Truly however the indecision and totally unstructured manner being in your 20’s seem like is no different then being in your teens. I didn’t like that stage so maybe its a good thing that I skipped the 20’s angst’s to.

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Personality Flaw vs. Health Affliction

For years I’ve walked through my life with the intent of finding myself and being happy with what I found. It took me until my early twenties to come to understand what I wanted. What I was going to settle for and who I was to be. I chose to be a mother. I thought I did well with becoming a stable, strong and content person. Yet for some reason apparently I am still a ‘high-strung’, overly serious, worry wort that has a body at war with her mind.

I’ve educated myself about who I am and how my mind works. The knowledge doesn’t seem to be helping me out here. A real attempt to view life through much more optimistic eyes and perceive events both good and bad with a cautionary understanding and acceptance.  Taking the time to understand and accept human behavior without the need to change what I cannot and accept instead even in the light of disagreement. I have found a happiness in the changes I’ve made to better myself, and choices to better my parenting by attempting to teach them to accept themselves for whom they are and accept everyone else equally even if there is reservation. Change what you can and accept what you cannot. Right? Keep an open mind at the same time find strength in what you believe in.

Yet, it feels like I am killing myself slowly with this ‘high-strung’ personality I was born with. As if no changes were ever made. I wouldn’t have ever called myself truly high-strung but I guess I am. Wrapped up tight, with little room for movement without feeling a loss of control. Talk about stressing about the stressor.

Previously labeled an unfortunate personality flaw and now a health affliction. I feel broken and powerless yet the need to transform myself into some one else. With all the changes I’ve made in my life to better myself for myself and by proxy my children; I am still sitting here in square one scratching my head trying to figure out what I need to do to shake of my serious personality. Shed my skin and put it away for another day and don a new lighter model for every day wear. Have I done nothing these last few years?

Why do I have to become some one else for my body to be able to deal? My mental state doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. Then again I do live in my head majority of the time but my body, is another creature all it own. A creature that is unfit to handle the built in stressors, namely my personality. Then why was this body matched with this brain or why is this brain such a lousy care giver to this body? I am confused!

Time to find a new way to fix me, this is exhausting. Being me has always been so exhausting, can’t I have a vacation and be someone else?

Edit: My other half and I are at odds whether this is a personality trait that is innate or if this is a learned reaction. I think its a bit of both but mostly I feel its a personality trait that I have had from birth. This lends some insight. Psychology, Seventh Edition

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