Life Perceived by Me

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2013 … 2014

Is it really going to be 2014?

Is my eldest child going to be three years old?

Oh my god, am I going to be thirty?

Yup. Yes and yes.

This past year has been filled with challenges and milestones. Oh and pregnancy. So much has taken place that I am not sure where to begin. Jaciel started her Pre-Preschool and has advanced wonderfully gaining social skills that only being around other children and new experiences could give her. Nikolay started a wonderful Daycare routine providing him with a chance to grow and sprout in ways that I don’t feel he would have hanging around home. It makes me smile, scares me and makes me proud.

We lost my beloved uncle but he was laid to rest surrounded by his loved ones in the comfort of the home he cherished feeling, I hope, a much better sense of safety and comfort not found in a hospital surrounded by strangers. He spent a life filled by his two most loved hobbies. Cooking and the 49’ners. Appreciated and loved unconditionally by four wonderful sisters, and a mother that was gave her all to teach him to function in a hearing world although he was shrouded by silence. Missed so much the one year anniversary of his passing came and went this month on the 15th. The first set of family holidays were laced with a indescribable feeling of something missing. Yet we as a family celebrated them with him in our hearts, on our minds and he was kept present in our souls. This year was all about the kids, which is how’d he want it. Difficult has it may have been each one of us waded through our grief in each our unique ways and found solace in one another’s company.

Family members moved, started new things, stressed and recovered. We’ve been tested, learned new lessons and grown throughout the year adding to our lives new experiences.

Lastly a new little girl will be making her debut into this crazy world soon bringing with her hope and the essence of new life. Olena Rose, my last and final child with the due date of February will probably be here some time next month to greet the world and take her first breath. I am excited and anxious. Along with the excitement comes a bit of sadness, I wish as I do often that my father was present to meet his grand-babies and now I wish not only one but both my uncles could also join in the celebration of new life. With them both gone majority of the male figures in my life are gone but always with me in spirit.

Our eldest, Jaciel and our son Nikolay are also excited. Jaciel being old enough to truly understand that she will soon have a sister joining the world is beside herself. Repeating often how her sister is in mama’s belly and trying to explain to her little brother of only 17 months that he will soon have a baby sister and he will need to be careful. They both will now experience the wonderful gift of new life and as uncomfortable as I am at this very moment I am excited to provide this new experience to them both to bond over.

Myself, personally have experienced many changes in this last year. Our losses and gains have been many and obviously not all pleasant. I forgone county work, a beautifully mapped out three year plan and a large home to do what was best for my extended family. A move and a slight decline in some aspects all worth it to be present for the ones I love and help in the only way I knew to. Although all may not have worked out according to ‘the plan’ planned its okay, because in the larger picture things always pan out.

I welcome the new year with open arms and a big pregnant belly!

‘Cheers’ to the new year!

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It Seems Like All a Blur

We all talk about how time just speeds by and how we should stop and smell the roses. I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that our eldest is going to be three years old next month. Three years old, where was I? It seems like I somehow missed it but I know I didn’t. Every sleepless night, I was there. Every tear shed and gassy tummy, I didn’t miss a day. Yet somehow it all seems too fast. I know it just keeps going and time will scurry by, eventually our eldest will be an adult and our youngest will be grown as well. I can only imagine how I am going to feel when we get there being at this very moment the age of three is giving me heart palpitations and  our youngest is still in my belly at least for a few more weeks.

Having children is the most satisfying experience I’ve ever ventured upon. The most challenging career I could have ever chosen. One of the most unique paths I’ve ever taken has been the path leading to the discovery of each beautiful personality belonging to these little human beings that I personally incubated giving my own blood to nourish to make sure they flourished.  I can’t see my life being different and I don’t believe that this amazement will ever wash away or be lost in the years that speed by so quickly. The difficult days seem overwhelming while being experienced but when I glance back everything seems so trivial compared to the wonders of these little people just existing.

I am so thankful for the person I’ve chosen to be flaws and all. Our children have been my best blessing transforming me into such a different person and regardless of others opinions I think for once in my life I truly like this person.

  • Jaciel Polina 01.24.11
  • Nikolay Nathaniel 07.10.12
  • Olena Rose est. due date 02.12.2014
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Overwhelming, Stressful, Beautiful Life

Overwhelming, stressful beautiful life….I don’t even know if words exist to explain how I feel. Everything is in conflict. I love my family and I am so blessed to have my children. Everyone is in as good health as circumstances mostly out of our control, allow. Really I have no right to have complaints. Yet I am feeling conflicted.

Have you ever had to decide which responsibility takes precedence over the other? Trying to connivence myself that everything can be placed in its proper place, compartmentalized and sorted, I just have to work harder. Think harder, be smarter and be superwoman, super-mom, super-everything. I am guessing that these thoughts might be a bit on the unrealistic realm of things. Possibly, maybe just a bit you know, expecting too much from my human self. *sigh* Why can’t these superhuman skills, attributes that I am sure I possess just reveal themselves when they are needed. I chuckle  at this fantasy. I am not so delusional, although at times I think being such could be a comfort that I’d enjoy, even just for a time. Maybe the comfort would do more good than harm. Providing a mental reprieve in a time of troubled thoughts. I know I am not alone with these thoughts. Am I?

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Grief….

So I started a new job recently. I work for a non-profit company that assists people that have developmental disabilities. At an ‘all staff’ meeting that combined two offices someone said something that just keeps ringing through my mind. These specific people work in a department called Early Intervention so they help parents with young children, 0-3 years old navigate the intimidating world once a developmental disability has been diagnosed, such as Asperges or Autism. When describing the department they work in one employee mentioned many times they are helping the parent go through the ‘grieving’ process.

I can’t get that out of my head. She spoke a very raw truth. We grieve over not only physical losses but the loss of an ideal. Having a child we are expecting a glowing vision of perfection that is propped up high on a pedestal built from the hopes, dreams and aspirations of the parents. The excitement of meeting that awesome example of a perfect human being unsullied by the reality of how imperfect our world is a feeling that inspires tears of joy. To have that ripped away and the idea of perfection crushed like a cockroach is devastating. Who wouldn’t grieve? It breaks my heart.

Being raised with disability as a normality around me doesn’t lessen how I think I’d feel if my own offspring was afflicted with some sort of developmental disability. Looking at the cases that come across my desk some of these children know more love then anyone I’ve ever seen. While others I am just saddened by the way they have been treated although the situation now may be improved.

The thing about grieving is that its a process and we experience it so many times throughout life. We experience the loss of a friendship, an expectation or the death of a family member or even a family pet. The experience is so different for each person. No rule book exists, not a ‘Self-Help’ book written can describe the exact emotions that are experienced. The sadness is so deeply personal and vastly different from the next.

Do you believe that grief is exclusive to the physical loss of a loved one? Can you or have you grieved over an idea or failed expectation of self or others?

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I’m feeling “22”

Am I the only one that didn’t get the memo about how special being in your 20’s is suppose to be?  I can’t help but think of that song that is out titled 22 by Taylor Swift. With the pre-chorus and chorus that goes

“Yeah we’re happy, free, confused and lonely in the best wayIt’s miserable and magical oh yeahTonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, it’s time
Uh oh, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22. Everything will be alright if you keep me next to youYou don’t know about me but I bet you want too. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we’re 22. 22″

I don’t remember feeling like that at any specific age. Did I miss something? Not that I feel like I actually missed out on any thing, I am perfectly content and even happy (on most days) with my lot in life. Maybe not exactly how I got here but where I am, I don’t think I would have changed that.

At the same time I feel like there was an entire stage that I skipped over. I hear all this stuff about how its weird that I am so settled with myself. How I am not still searching for who I am and what I want to do. Not that I have the entire world worked out but I am seriously content just surviving and watching my children grow. I don’t have big dreams.

My reason for not having huge dreams of new stardom isn’t because I don’t think I would be able to achieve it but because I am not looking for anything. Yet when I was in my twenties I wasn’t looking for it either. I only wanted a happy family. I only wanted to have people around me that didn’t make me feel stupid and inferior or learn how to actually interact with those people without allowing them that power.

Maybe my goals were different. I don’t understand.

Well I hope the 20’s are as much of a joy as they make it seem. Truly however the indecision and totally unstructured manner being in your 20’s seem like is no different then being in your teens. I didn’t like that stage so maybe its a good thing that I skipped the 20’s angst’s to.

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Understand This!

Families are our foundation for the world teaching us the important and the trivial. Our humanity is shaped by the people who we begin our lives with. First our mother the day we feel her warmth straight out of the belly we were conceived in. Love is what we are shown through that first skin to skin contact, the initial latch onto her breast gives us our first look into what affection is. Our humanity is founded upon the experience we have the day we enter this world unknown to us. From then on everything is a lesson hopefully wrapped in a beautiful warm fluffy package filled with attention, kisses, words of affirmation and love.

The village we are raised in shows us the important aspects of life. The very things we strive for to satiate our appetite for eternity is set in front of us. We are lead down the paths to happiness hand in hand by our guardians. These important people have chosen to set out on a career path of teacher and disciplinarian. It is they who show us the meaning of unconditional loving care. Our drivers are our families until the keys are handed over and the steering wheel is ours.

For many years we are only student drivers with our guardians having the important task of knowing when to pull the emergency break and provide us with the direction we need. All of this leads us to the myriad of paths to choose from. Some paved, some worn down by those that tread upon them previously while others are hidden by brush that is yet to be trimmed back by the traveler. That traveler is your child and you are that guardian navigating them towards the endless options.

With this your strengths and your flaws become teaching tools. Text books to refer to, and pull from filled with visual aids and stories aiding you along the way. This career is the most important one ever taken on and there isn’t a degree to prepare you. No classroom professor is able to lecture you in the right and wrong, good or bad tactics to use. There isn’t any tests to be graded or papers to be written nor are there any manuals or cliff notes. Only the tools you have collected while being lead to the path you chose to walk. There isn’t a resume in the world or a cover letter to be read. No one interviews you for the position and not one employer on the planet can decide how you’ll fair doing this job. You are self employed with no salary, no weekends or vacation time . You have the choice to make it a wonderful work environment and have joy fill your heart on a day to day basis. You also have the choice to make it a miserable work environment filled with unhappiness. Just remember your choices impact your student and the rest of the world because in the end the lessons you teach and the navigating you do affects the generations that follow.

Don’t allow your personal disputes, your bad experiences scar the generation to follow. Don’t allow your misunderstanding, your mistakes and your wrong turns mold the little person you are teaching to be your revenge. You are only creating a monster out of the innocent. Keep in mind your decisions from this day forward is creating the next cycle of life. Why ruin it with your bitterness.

Be thankful. Be happy. Be loving. Be trusting. Be kind. Create beauty in places of ugliness and happiness in places once harboring pain.

Never forget that the career path you’ve set upon is not one to take lightly. The payment isn’t measurable currency. It isn’t earned appreciation  You won’t receive an award in the form of a plaque or certificate. You will receive an occasional ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you’ along the way but that isn’t to be an expectation. Expect nothing besides a life long journey filled with hills and valleys.   Your payment is the unconditional love returned to you and the knowledge that you did your best to navigate your ward in the best direction possible for them to achieve the happiness that we all deserve, filled with stability and sustainable contentment.

It escapes me how this isn’t understood. It boggles my mind to no end how this isn’t taken as seriously as it very well should be. Regardless of others lack of care I choose to devote my life to the building of a foundation for my children to build upon that will weather any storm. You should do the same!

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Personality Flaw vs. Health Affliction

For years I’ve walked through my life with the intent of finding myself and being happy with what I found. It took me until my early twenties to come to understand what I wanted. What I was going to settle for and who I was to be. I chose to be a mother. I thought I did well with becoming a stable, strong and content person. Yet for some reason apparently I am still a ‘high-strung’, overly serious, worry wort that has a body at war with her mind.

I’ve educated myself about who I am and how my mind works. The knowledge doesn’t seem to be helping me out here. A real attempt to view life through much more optimistic eyes and perceive events both good and bad with a cautionary understanding and acceptance.  Taking the time to understand and accept human behavior without the need to change what I cannot and accept instead even in the light of disagreement. I have found a happiness in the changes I’ve made to better myself, and choices to better my parenting by attempting to teach them to accept themselves for whom they are and accept everyone else equally even if there is reservation. Change what you can and accept what you cannot. Right? Keep an open mind at the same time find strength in what you believe in.

Yet, it feels like I am killing myself slowly with this ‘high-strung’ personality I was born with. As if no changes were ever made. I wouldn’t have ever called myself truly high-strung but I guess I am. Wrapped up tight, with little room for movement without feeling a loss of control. Talk about stressing about the stressor.

Previously labeled an unfortunate personality flaw and now a health affliction. I feel broken and powerless yet the need to transform myself into some one else. With all the changes I’ve made in my life to better myself for myself and by proxy my children; I am still sitting here in square one scratching my head trying to figure out what I need to do to shake of my serious personality. Shed my skin and put it away for another day and don a new lighter model for every day wear. Have I done nothing these last few years?

Why do I have to become some one else for my body to be able to deal? My mental state doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. Then again I do live in my head majority of the time but my body, is another creature all it own. A creature that is unfit to handle the built in stressors, namely my personality. Then why was this body matched with this brain or why is this brain such a lousy care giver to this body? I am confused!

Time to find a new way to fix me, this is exhausting. Being me has always been so exhausting, can’t I have a vacation and be someone else?

Edit: My other half and I are at odds whether this is a personality trait that is innate or if this is a learned reaction. I think its a bit of both but mostly I feel its a personality trait that I have had from birth. This lends some insight. Psychology, Seventh Edition

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