Life Perceived by Me

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Personality Flaw vs. Health Affliction

For years I’ve walked through my life with the intent of finding myself and being happy with what I found. It took me until my early twenties to come to understand what I wanted. What I was going to settle for and who I was to be. I chose to be a mother. I thought I did well with becoming a stable, strong and content person. Yet for some reason apparently I am still a ‘high-strung’, overly serious, worry wort that has a body at war with her mind.

I’ve educated myself about who I am and how my mind works. The knowledge doesn’t seem to be helping me out here. A real attempt to view life through much more optimistic eyes and perceive events both good and bad with a cautionary understanding and acceptance.  Taking the time to understand and accept human behavior without the need to change what I cannot and accept instead even in the light of disagreement. I have found a happiness in the changes I’ve made to better myself, and choices to better my parenting by attempting to teach them to accept themselves for whom they are and accept everyone else equally even if there is reservation. Change what you can and accept what you cannot. Right? Keep an open mind at the same time find strength in what you believe in.

Yet, it feels like I am killing myself slowly with this ‘high-strung’ personality I was born with. As if no changes were ever made. I wouldn’t have ever called myself truly high-strung but I guess I am. Wrapped up tight, with little room for movement without feeling a loss of control. Talk about stressing about the stressor.

Previously labeled an unfortunate personality flaw and now a health affliction. I feel broken and powerless yet the need to transform myself into some one else. With all the changes I’ve made in my life to better myself for myself and by proxy my children; I am still sitting here in square one scratching my head trying to figure out what I need to do to shake of my serious personality. Shed my skin and put it away for another day and don a new lighter model for every day wear. Have I done nothing these last few years?

Why do I have to become some one else for my body to be able to deal? My mental state doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. Then again I do live in my head majority of the time but my body, is another creature all it own. A creature that is unfit to handle the built in stressors, namely my personality. Then why was this body matched with this brain or why is this brain such a lousy care giver to this body? I am confused!

Time to find a new way to fix me, this is exhausting. Being me has always been so exhausting, can’t I have a vacation and be someone else?

Edit: My other half and I are at odds whether this is a personality trait that is innate or if this is a learned reaction. I think its a bit of both but mostly I feel its a personality trait that I have had from birth. This lends some insight. Psychology, Seventh Edition

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Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.

Bullies Called Him Pork Chop. He Took That Pain With Him And Then Cooked It Into This.


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Amazed And So Disgusted!

I am so amazed by the development of my babies. Within the past few weeks our daughter has suddenly been expanding her vocabulary. So many words are beginning to emerge, words she’s heard but never said. Not just random either. She is matching words with items, emotions and thoughts. I can’t get over how unbelievable it is to watch.

Recently another experience has blown my mind and again I am awe struck by my daughters abilities. Here is a conversation we had:

Me: Did you miss your Ly Ly (‘Lie Lie’ is our daughters nick-name for her brother Nikolay)?

Jaciel:  No.

Me: Do you know what ‘missing someone’ means?

Jaciel: No.

Me: Its when you wish someone was with you when they aren’t.

….a little later I asked her again if she missed Nikolay while we were gone, she answered with a very sure ‘yes’.

I love how easy it was for her understand. Its amazing how they so quickly understand complex thoughts. She’s so young yet so bright. So explain to me how people can be so thoughtless when it comes to such amazing little creatures made from there very own genetics. Little people that they’ve held and helped create, helpless babies that only want to be loved and cared for.

My cousin recently saw posted on her facebook about seeing a young girl “… can’t be any older than 13 yrs old and another girl to my left who is also pregnant as can be, she is sorting out a paper bag full of blunt wraps talking on her phone telling the person on the other end how she can’t wait to get out of here so she can smoke a blunt.” really?

While I am sitting here praying and hoping that I raise my children properly and sit in awe of the abilities of such tiny people. Of course I know the reasons, the excuses given. The upbringing lacking in education, love or comfort. The societal view of what is acceptable and what isn’t. However I can’t see past the fact the truly its a choice to raise your child, to care for the unborn baby in the womb with love and care. You choose to be aware of the harm you are doing to not only yourself but the small helpless baby depending on you. How could so many people be so thoughtless, cold hearted, choose to stay ignorant and selfish.

I know I shouldn’t be shocked or probably even disgusted anymore by the stupidity I see around me but I can’t seem to shake it off. Or refrain from being ‘judgemental’ when there are small children, little babies born and unborn being abused by the stupid people having them. It has less to do with age and so much to do with choices made. It hurts my heart.

….stepping down from my soap-box now.

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I think people who use a great deal of swear words need to open up a Dictionary and read a Thesaurus on a daily basis to learn the true meanings of words and other words to express themselves. Curse words are not absent from my vocabulary but I enjoy sounding educated enough to convey my thoughts without the usage of such foul language. I can’t stand people who use nothing my curse words as a way to express the thoughts and emotions they are experiencing. In a few words it conveys sheer ignorance to me.

Do you really have to use ‘four’ letter words such as fuck, bitch and the like to show frustrations and dislike?

Do you not know other words that describe or explain your disgust for something?

Is your educational background so remedial that your vocabulary consists of only a handful of words the meaning of I highly doubt you even know?

I realize everyone communicates with slang and we take short cuts in the english language, in every language its just human. We misuse words, and make up new ones that fit our communication needs at the time. However is it really necessary to use expletives so often and with such freedom. Does it cross anyones mind that children may be around and not everyone desires there children to speak like ignoramuses?

A friend of mine posted a  .jpeg saying “People who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest and trustworthy, human behavioral studies suggest.” following is her feelings on the statement “….i find it to be true in my own experience. and i bet if there were actually studies done on this, they would show the results above. i find (in personal experience) that people who are constantly concerned with what others think of them (like how they dress, the words they use, the people they are seen with) are less in touch with their own true natures. this is because they are so outwardly focused and only look toward themselves from an outer-focus-point. thus they are more susceptible to a wearing down of their innate values, like honesty, compassion, joy.” I disagree.

It seems to me concern for how one dresses, speaks and acts isn’t necessarily concern for how other see them. I feel in moderation its actually concern for there own well being. Just as proper speech would be an investment in ones educational development. Don’t you think it shows more of a responsible nature for self and others if they learned how to properly express themselves. A person is much more apt to show the beauty of honesty, compassion and joy if they were able to do so with a plethora of words rather then a few interchangeable foul ones.

Do you see where I am going with this?

I don’t want my children to grow up into adults that refer to someone who irritates them or someone who wrongs them in any certain way with a foul term. How is that going to help them in life? Its such a limited way to communicate. I hope that the vocabulary they inherit is perfect for them but allows them a wide range of  ways to express themselves, the idea’s they posses and what they desire. I mean how sweet is it to hear lover say “Dude, I fuck’n love you.” as an expression of true love? Be honest is that even close to what you want to hear before making love to someone?

I don’t know maybe some people do. I do know in my opinion those who have a limited vocabulary of ‘four’ letter foul words to express themselves sound sadly ignorant.


The Soundtrack to My Life

When it comes to music I have a varied taste, I am an eclectic of sorts. I have played musical instruments. I enjoy Classical, Symphonic, Rock, Alternative, Country; the list goes on and on. The categories are countless and new categories pop up everyday. One thing that I’ve noticed is different times in my life has called for a very different soundtracks. Each soundtrack expresses the most prominent emotions at that very moment. My perception of the world around me seeming more hopeful or more bleak depending on the soundtrack that is playing in the background.

Music conveys so many feelings with every note played. Every lyric sung can tell a story that is speaking straight to you. As a young married adult in a very rough situation I remember listening to music that helped me express my anger and frustration for life and the bad situation I found myself in. The music assisted me in expressing my emotions when I could not find an outlet. I swear it keeps you sane.

At this point in my life my children, my family and my goal of providing the best wholesome loving environment possible is best expressed through country music. Thank goodness for country, and lately even some pop has me singing and dancing in the car. Go ahead a giggle, you know you do it to.

When I don’t know how to say it, write it or show it I let the professionals belt it out for me with words and melody that I would have never have found.

I just want to say, thank god for the ability to enjoy music in its wide variety of genres. Thank you for allowing me to appreciate and be exposed to the many types and sounds. THANK YOU for the friends and family that has exposed me to the soundtracks that speak to them and thank you for Stas, my other half, my best friend, my perfect match for being just as eclectic as myself.

Back to my houseful of ugly winter colds and nasty coughs. This to shall pass.

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‘You can’t give your children the childhood you had.’

I am not sure I wanted the exact childhood I had because frankly it wasn’t all that great. However I wanted to provide them something different, something better. One aspect of my upbringing I wanted to make sure they experienced was the large family, the loving extended family. The aunt’s that came and picked you up in the early morning to go on random trips. I wanted them to have the aunt or uncle that played store with them or took them out to a quick lunch as a surprise.

Instead they’ve gotten inconsistent exposure to people and I’ve had tons of disappointment. I don’t know why this bothers me it shouldn’t. My children have two very consistent people in their lives, us, the parents, the most important ones. Which is much better then what I had. Yet I can’t get it out of my mind, I can’t help but beat myself up because somehow I was suppose to ensure that they had exactly what I wanted them to. Yet we all know, life isn’t perfect. It just is!

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Who Gave You Permission to Grow?

Two years old, its a milestone. Its a milestone that our oldest child, our baby girl just reached. Two years old crept up on us like a thief in the night. It didn’t really we saw it coming but it suddenly became a bigger deal when with reaching two years old came potty trained and sleeping in a toddler bed.

I’m running out of time, running out of time to figure out what kind of Mother I am going to be. ‘I know’ I am already whatever kind of Mother I am going to be. Why is it then do I still question my tactics? She’s two years old, next thing I know she’s going to be starting school and where I am I going to be then?

We have very well-behaved children; almost unusually well-behaved. Jaciel Polina doesn’t throw fits or cries unnecessarily. When she acts out and by that I mean cries aloud or whines its usually due to exhaustion or frustrations due to our lack of understanding what it is she is attempting to communicate. It doesn’t happen often. She is quite, reserved and slow to warm. She is observant and unusually bright. I am so proud of her.

Yet why is growing up so bittersweet? I look at babies and I just want to hold on to Jaciel, the tiny Jaciel but then I wouldn’t give up the beautiful little girl, young lady she is becoming. Its all so fear laden. Each stage, each new development comes with new fears but the old ones aren’t gone just pushed back by more pressing ones. I swear I am going to live a short life because I am so stressed out about what might be that I forget to see what is.

It hurts me to know that I in no way can protect my children from the world around them. Its such a volatile environment out there. Where such evils take place. Can I prepare them for the world beyond the safety I try to provide? Am I prepared for them to face it? Its less them and more me.

One day my son will want more then the spinning he does on the ABC sponge tiles and his rattlers or the cars my daughter shows him. Soon my daughter will go off to daycare and socialize with other children from different backgrounds. The world will be theirs to explore and I will only be here to watch and guide. No longer will I be able to shelter and protect and the fear is nearly heart-attack worthy.

I’m enjoying Jaciel’s new found ability to voice her desire to go nap or go to bed in the evening, signs of self awareness. Such unmistakable independence. She’s coming into her own so quickly and settling comfortably in her own skin. It’s such a magical transformation to watch. Soon her need for Mama and Papa will lessen. What will I do then. 😦 I didn’t imagine it to happen so quickly. I can still remember the tiny helpless baby needing Mommy for everything. Communicating only in cries and whines. Now it’s words and very specific actions. They grow and as wonderful as it is it’s bittersweet. Her personality is all her own and it’s obviously full of love and empathy. A beautiful person is developing and I fear the reality of the world with it’s horrors will dampen her spirit. Same with Nikolay, I can already see his calm curious nature. The loving light that shines through his baby blues. Such a beautiful soul with endless potential.

Am I the only parent experiencing these feelings?


Our Son


Our Daughter and her Papa

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What Makes My Life WONDERFUL


Our daughter has such a personality. She is quiet, calm and reserved but you turn on some music and it gets her moving.

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Accident’s Happen

There is nothing scarier then a child becoming severely injured. The kind of fear that courses through a parents body is nearly immobilizing yet we push through. Accidents, try as we might to avoid them all, happen. The outcome can range from bad to the unthinkable.

Imagine …

You place a mug of water for tea in the microwave, and flip it on. Of course you walk away without a second thought. Your two year old is running about throughout the house following you around and playing with toys.

You walk into your room to don some clothes for the day. Without a second thought you lose sight of your little two year old. Its just a second, right.

What you don’t know is your pride and joy has taken a kitchen table chair. She has pushed that chair up to the counter top and to the microwave. Climbs up, curious as children naturally are.

She opens the microwave to find the mug of steaming water. She of course thinks of all the yumminess that could be in that cup. Juice is I am sure the first thought that comes to mind. Little does she know that cup is holding piping hot liquid that is about to scald her skin sending a blood curdling scream through the house and reaching the ears of her mother instilling a fear like no other!

  • FACT – The majority of children ages 4 and under who are hospitalized for burn-related injuries suffer from scald burns (65 percent) or contact burns (20 percent).
  • FACT – Approximately 88,000 children ages 14 and under were treated at hospital emergency rooms for burn-related injuries  62,500 were thermal burns and 25,500 were scald burns.
  • FACT – Hot tap water scald burns cause more deaths and hospitalizations than any other hot liquid burns.

No one can be everywhere. At some point we all need to shower, go to the restroom or just put on some clothes. During those few minutes, couple seconds a tragedy can take place. Serious injuries and even death can occur. 

Burn related injuries are more common then we’d like to imagine. Just looking at the statistics I’ve found. Its astonishing.

  • FACT – Most scald burns to children, especially small children between the ages of 6 months and 2 years, are caused by hot foods or liquids spilled in the kitchen, or other areas where food is prepared and served

Preventing things like this from happening isn’t easy. Awareness is the only thing we can do. Teaching what the word ‘hot’ means and that they aren’t to touch particular things. Child safety gates are good to have. They provide an extra protection for your little one.

  • FACT – Most tap water scald burns occur in the bathroom, and tend to cover larger portions of the body more severely.
  • FACT – Burns caused by the microwave are usually scald burns (95 percent) caused by spilled hot liquid or foods. Most microwave scald burns occur to the trunk or the face.

Please be careful, beware of hot liquids, and the hot water in the bathtub. Teach your children the word ‘hot’ and what it means. Be aware of where your baby boy or girl are at all times. Danger lurks everywhere.

My friends daughter has 2nd degree burns down her chin, covering her torso and her left thigh. Her curiosity got the best of her and she wanted to know what was in the mug in the microwave. That curiosity yeilded her bad burns. The local hospital nearly killed her with there inexperience in treating pediatric patients, giving her way too much narcotics (Morphine to be specific) depressing her respiratory function which was already compromised by a typical winter cold. Thankfully she is now home, healing and we hope she doesn’t scar too badly but only time will tell. Such a traumatic experience for all those involved.

Hug your babies, watch them.

The information collected is from Boston Children’s Hospital, Fire safety and burn injury statistics.

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This is the Year

I’ve decided to make changes to my life this year. I’ve already started to look more into finding a fitting religion to help me build a solid foundation for our children. I am also planning to start down the path to a Vegan lifestyle. I am starting with the food in our home. The eighth of every month is grocery day. Therefore the eighth is the DAY that our Vegan life is going to begin.

I make jokes about this entire decision. My husband has this love of food documentaries. I always moan when he brings yet another one up on Netflix for us to watch but secretly love them. This time I picked out one, it was called Vegucated. I tell him that all his video’s are now backfiring on him because he to is becoming a vegan along with me.


As you can see from the trailer above its about becoming vegan and learning about all the benefits in choosing this particular lifestyle. I have always leaned towards being more of an herbivore then an omnivore naturally. Meat is heavy and hard to digest. It never had settled well with me. The ethical front. I’ve never had so much of an issue with killing an animal humanely after providing a safe natural life for them that is equally as humane. Giving them respect because of what they are so graciously providing for us. However the horrible lives that are given these animals is beyond inhumane. Examples are how they grind baby chicks up alive and discard them, the cattle in the dairy’s and beef cattle are neglected, they aren’t given any vet care and are left to die if they are ill. Talk about in humane. Even the collection of fish, its just cruel. I can’t get the images out of my mind. Prior to this I had some issues with the treatment of farm animals, such as the fact that cattle are forced to sit, lay and walk around in there own feces without a blade of fresh grass to be seen. Then the rumors that they are feeding cows, which are vegetarian by nature bone meal which is evil. Now I have even more images in my mind that make it difficult for me to even look at a dairy.

I just wish I had someone to walk me through this process. So I know what to buy on grocery day. I wish I had a friend to help me create a collection of recipes to do for my family so this transition won’t be too shocking for them.


Why am I doing all this, well I want to be alive and as healthy as possible for my family. I want to watch my children grow and develop. I want to see them get married and provide me with grandchildren if they choose. Its bad enough that medically I’ll likely be wheelchair bound by my mid to late forties. I do this for myself and for my family.

Wish me luck! I have my concerns. I am worried about the economic effects this will have on my family and the nutritional balance for my children. I am in no way worried that it can’t be done I am just worried that I won’t do it right. I am going to do this!

In a few months I hope to be starting to also become gluten free.